Drew Burden

Dear St. Valentine, whoever you are:

I’m sorry I refuse to celebrate your holiday. I’m not even sure why you have your own holiday or how you even came to symbolize love, but I’m not buying into it. Once again this year, I have managed to save a lot of money — not by switching my car insurance, mainly because I’m happy with who provides my current insurance, but there’s also my personal opinion that a cute animated reptile with a British accent trying to sell me car insurance HAS to be up to no good. The point is, I have more money in my pocket since for the 20th year in a row, I don’t have an SO clinging to me, demanding something I’m probably too broke to buy anyway. The ‘comony is in such a state that I’m happy to be on my own.

I understand your urgency, St. Valentine, whoever you are. You know your holiday is dying out in the ranks of people like me. Just yesterday, Pew Research said they had found that 38% of singles age 18-29 say they’re single and NOT looking. We’re catching on. And your mushy tactics won’t work anymore.

Do you want to know what I did for your holiday today, St. Valentine? (Whoever you are?) I woke up at 5 in the morning, worked my overnight job, ate breakfast, took a shower, went to my day job, ate lunch, went back to my day job, ate lunch again, worked from home for a bit, went BACK to my day job (by this time it was night), came home, and went to bed. I slept for two hours and then felt the need to tell you how alive I still am even after flatly refusing to acknowledge your holiday’s existence.

In conclusion, St. Valentine, whoever you are, I do not need your stupid holiday. Were I to have a girlfriend I would STILL not need your stupid holiday. Who needs a certain day set aside to show affection to your sweetheart? Should we not do it every other day anyway? I’m not seeing the necessity here. I say we should shave this excess off our society and go on with our lives, single or not. Expect a letter and status report from me next year.

Mild regards,

Me.